Tag: Dog

A grieving process is about learning to love someone all over again, except this time it’s in their absence… Ted Tsai

Exactly five months have passed. I’m still grieving for my dog Jamie. I miss him.

There’s a certain part of the day or night I found a bit difficult to get through. It may sound ultra-silly but I actually don’t want my sadness to go away.

Why not? Because when I feel the pain is also when I feel closest to him.

I have many regrets. I should’ve taken him out more often, I should’ve paid him more attention, I should’ve spent more time with him, I should’ve done more of this and more of that. I feel like a hypocrite. I often lectured myself and sometimes others on the idea of not taking anything for granted. Now looking back on it, I actually took my dog for granted when he was there.

Yesterday when I was checking the Memories section on my Facebook, I saw this old post of mine pop up. It instantly warmed my heart like no others. It was a message I wrote five years ago, about how much my dog meant to me. I read it again and again until I fully absorbed it. Right at the moment, the weight on my shoulders started to come off.

Without a formal qualification, no fancy psychology/psychiatry degree, all he does is eat, play, sleep and shit. But this fellow has changed my life completely and unreservedly… for better. I don’t need to wait till your birthday or any special days to tell you how much you mean to me. With you, every day is like a present. Most of all, you show me love is a verb, not a noun… lick lick xx

I continued to read the old comments beneath posted by my friends. Those words started to click suddenly. How come it’d taken me this long to get it? I must’ve been living on another planet!

I realised, since my dog’s passing, I’ve grown to relate to others on a deeper emotional level. It’s a gift!

Dogs teach us so much that no others can match. They’re still teaching us even when they’re gone…

Years ago before I had Jamie, I was a material boy. I used to hang around shopping centres every weekend, trying to feed my never-ending desire with reckless spending… Then I had him, on the very first day I took him home, my priorities changed, my care factor also changed. It’s continued to this date. Now, it’s nature that feeds me, my creativity and my spirituality.

Dogs have a very short life span compared to humans. On the eve of the 5 month anniversary of Jamie’s passing, I know one thing for sure: Here or not, their love will never expire…

Is reality real?

This is me 4 weeks ago taking my dog Jamie (his hair) to my favourite weekend getaway. Since discovering this hidden gem 8 years ago, we’d been hanging out here a lot. It had everything I wanted all in one place – peace and quiet, a bush on one side and a beach on the other.

In places like this, whichever way I turn to, there’ll always be a vision of us together. I know some of our footprints we left behind in the past won’t be buried in the sand anytime soon – That’s the beauty of going the road less travelled.

Well into the night, a magical thing happened when I got home. The bowl (porcelain) that I used to keep Jamie’s ashes (sealed tightly in a bag) had a bit “temperature”. It felt a bit warm when I touched it. I was mesmerised by it.

I’m a science kind of guy, if some phenomena can’t be proved by science, I’d rather not believe it or at least remain sceptical till it’s been proven to be true. But let’s face it, sometimes science has its own limitations. Not everything can be measured scientifically or conducted in a lab. One perfect example is, to this day, no one scientist in the world can prove conclusively that it’s the chicken or the egg came first.

They say Seeing is believing. But in real life, I’ve “seen” time and time again, it’s more a case of: There’s more to it than meets the eye.

I don’t know why but since Jamie’s passing I’ve started a new self discovery journey – to explore my relationship with the universe, from a spiritual stand point of course. Just to be clear, I’m not a religious person, nor do I practise any particular faith. There’re pros and cons. OK, I’m a free agent, not bound by any preconceptions or teachings. But because of it, I’m on my own and my free will is too primitive, just not enough for me to find some answers. That means, I have homework to do.

It’s time to learn, un-learn and re-learn.

A few days ago I woke up hearing a voice in my head: It’s your beliefs that create your reality. I immediately hit back and said (not verbally): No way! Reality is just something that happens to you. But deep down, I knew this is not it, there’s more to it.

Remember that famous quote by Henry Ford: Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right.

It’s human nature, if you believe in something, you’ll keep on finding evidence to back it up and support it. Likewise, if you don’t believe in something, you’ll look out for information to reinforce your non-believer beliefs.

For some bizarre reason, I believe Jamie is alive somewhere, in a different space, perhaps in the fourth dimension. Some may argue that it’s my wishful thinking. OK, maybe I need a reality check, but who can prove me right or wrong? No one.

After a few days of self reflection here and there, I’ve come to realize:

1. I’m 100% responsible for my decision of letting Jamie go. So, I have to bear 100% consequences of my action. That includes pain. Pain is inevitable. But pain is also invaluable information.

2. Do not force the answers, they will come to you naturally and unexpectedly.

3. When “time is right”, Jamie will send out signs or hints only in a language we both understand.

4. Jamie lives in my heart and will always be there for as long as I live. I see myself as an extension of him.

5. The best way to honour Jamie’s love for me is continue to follow in his “footsteps” and do what we loved to do.

When you seek comfort, what you get in return is only temporary. But when you seek reality, what you get in return is (more) permanent. Remember the word “Reality”, it has no plural form for a reason. That says it all.

If I believe he is, then he is. If I don’t believe he is, then he is not.

It’s up to me…

Ted

A grieving process is a very personal one, everyone goes through it in their own way at some point. No one has the authority to judge you or preach to you about how long it will take and how it should be done.

It is tempting but never compare yourself with others.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no timetable, no time frame to stick to, you just take whatever it takes and as long as it takes.

I remember one night when I was lying in bed next to my dog Jamie, I asked him: Hey, Jamie boy, what am I going to do if one day you are gone? He looked at me with his big round eyes as if he was saying: What are you worried about? I am the one who is going first, I am not worried. You just take one day at a time… Then we both fell asleep.

The next morning when we woke up, we continued to live our lives like it is business as usual. I went to work, he stayed at home.

It has been a month since my dog Jamie passed away on the 6th of March. Though I have stopped crying, I am still grieving the loss. What can I say? Time flies? Time heals? What a load of cliché!

I do not need to convince to the world that Jamie was more than a dog to me. The way he has changed my life and continues to change is way beyond words.

A month ago, I was talking to a friend on the phone about my pain and sadness over Jamie’s passing, she then pointed out something which I had never thought of: Ted, you did not choose Jamie, Jamie chose you. He came into your life for a purpose, when his mission was completed, it was time for him to go… Those words of hers were so profoundly powerful and true. Looking back, from the start how I had Jamie when he was only a 2 month old puppy, it explains everything.

Last week came a new addition to my place – a memorial I set up in a corner of the living room – a hall table which I put together and decorated with a couple of photos of Jamie, his favourite toys and of course his ashes and a tiny part of his hair I clipped that night he passed away and have kept it inside a little jar since. Interestingly, the scent of his hair has not faded even up till this day.

This memorial, Jamie’s final resting place is where I can reminisce, commemorate and connect with him spiritually. It is full of sunlight during the day and has lots of good energy around it. It will be the last thing I see when I go out and the first thing I see when I come home.

They say water is life. When there is a sign of water, there is a sign of life. If you believe it then you will see why every morning I go preparing a bowl of water and place it in front of his photo. People can say I am in denial, superstitious, or whatever they like, but for me, Jamie is just having a long sleep, he is hibernating somewhere. One day, when I am gone, he will be there waiting for me and we will meet again. 

Dogs have feelings, too. Just like humans, they experience fears, sadness, excitement, happiness and all that, but they do not dwell on the past, they do not worry about the future, they simply live in the present, in the moment. This is one of biggest lessons I have learned from my dog.

What now? What is going forward? It is the legacy Jamie has left behind that I will continue on while living through the pain of losing him. Ironically, in his such short span of life, for 12 years and 10 months we had lived together, he has been the greatest influence on my life. For that, I am forever grateful.

Last but not least, dare I say: You have never been loved till you have been loved by a dog…

The week has gone by both quickly and slowly in several aspects. It has been 9 days since Jamie passed away, 3 days since I started my new job.

When Lynda, my former colleague said to me that being made redundant is one of the best things that has ever happened to her, I was not totally convinced. I did try to adopt this philosophical approach to my own situation but only in hindsight was I able to see the profound meaning behind it.

A few days ago, I started to practice gratitude and apply it to my life. Now I realise redundancy was a blessing in disguise. Since losing my job, I had entire 5 weeks, day and night to spend with Jamie. Then, unexpectedly this thing happened, I had a choice to make. Letting him go is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I would rather bear the pain of losing him for the rest of my life than seeing him in pain for another 24 hours.

On Wednesday night, I went to pick up Jamie’s ashes from the vet. While there, I also got everything I wanted to clarify clarified. At last, he is home again. No one can ever take him away from me. How lucky I was to have had Jamie in my life. From the day when I took this 2 month old puppy home till the day when I let him go at 13. This tiny, fluffy fellow gave his whole life to me. I am grateful for that.

Looking at this shape I am in, I can not imagine if I was still siting in front of my computer preparing for job applications. I am grateful for the fact I have a job to go to when I wake up in the morning.

The love and support from my friends and family has been amazing. Especially my mum, she came to visit me last Sunday night to make sure I was OK. On Tuesday we then went bush walking together. I was meant to take Jamie there that day he passed away but never had the chance again. So she came to complete the walk on Jamie’s behalf. What can I say? I am the luckiest number 1 son in the world…

Yesterday I decided to dry my tears and go venturing out a bit.

One way to honouring my love for Jamie (my dog’s name) is to continue to do what we loved to do together.

So I came to this beautiful bush – Harold Reid Reserve in Middle Cove to have some quiet moment with myself, also to make up the missing walk we were supposed to do on Jamie’s last day. Thanks to all those walks we’d done over the years, there are many places in Sydney I can go to feel very close to Jamie.

It’s funny, after Jamie’s passing, those things I used to be scared of, they no longer scare me anymore…

Ted ❤️

Since my dog’s passing, I have received many friends’ heartfelt messages. I am so touched and moved by their love and support. Thank you.

Looking at the last photo of Jamie I’ve ever taken. He was with my parents, my brother and my sister on the phone in Japan. We were all there for him on his last day. I will never forget it.

Jamie gave his whole life to me. He changed my life for better. He even saved my life. This unexpected loss has been really hard to take. I had Jamie as a puppy when he was 2 months old back in May 2007. When I saw him the first time, I felt in love with him straight away. Now, not having him around, my life will not be the same again.

I had a good cry that night, the first time in 9 years. The next day when I woke up not seeing Jamie, I cried again. The room has become so strangely quiet, I miss him.

I was on the phone with my mum before writing this. We talked a lot about how our lives have been blessed and enriched by this little fellow. I was so so lucky to have had Jamie in my life.

Right now, my heart is broken. The pain and sadness I’m experiencing is indescribable. I’m going to allow myself to grieve. Jamie is one and only. He’s irreplaceable.

I’m really looking forward to picking up his ashes next week. A few years ago, I made a promise to him that I will continue to take him out for a walk even after he died. He didn’t know it. Now I’m going to deliver my promise. I knew how much he loved our walks in the bush and around beaches. So, Jamie, when you come home, we will start going out and about again every week.

Thank you my Jamie boy for everything. Your memories will stay with me FOREVER.

Ted xxx

My dog Jamie passed away on the 6th of March 2020 – the hardest day of my life. The toughest decision I have ever made…

It is the last time I held my little Jamie boy in my arms. Daddy loves you and will love you for the rest of my life.

Daddy’s heart hurts so much and will continue to hurt for a long time but Daddy promises you, I will remain strong because that is what you have taught me all those years.

Thank you for being a huge part of my life. You will forever be in my heart, Jamie. Be playful, have fun and keep smiling you little naughty boy. We will meet again…

Lots of love, kisses and hugs,

Ted xxx