You are not only what you eat, but also what you drink… Ted Tsai
Ted’s Quote 37
Give OCD A Break
Yesterday I went back to the local park again, just to take some photos for my blog. If you are into social distancing, a park like this is quite a nice spot to be alone by yourself, gather some thoughts or just do nothing.
As a long term OCD sufferer, social distancing is part of lifestyle. But lately it’s been very fascinating to watch how the world has gone crazy about hygiene, cleanliness and anti-bacteria during the coronavirus outbreak, and started to do those things that I have been doing for decades – disinfecting stuff.
I went to seek medical help for my OCD conditions in the mid 2000’s and I was told by the shrink that there was a chemical imbalance in my brain that one way to curbing my OCD thoughts was taking medicine – the antidepressants. If I remember correctly, I was on that shit for 2 years before I decided to withdraw from it. At the peak, I was taking the highest allowable dosage – 4 tablets a day. The results? The OCD conditions never left me. I was still the same OCD person.
The real relief came when I started to accept myself – I was born this way. Also, when I had Jamie. If you are scared of dirt, forgetting about having a dog. Luckily, my love for Jamie outweighed my fear of contamination. The rest is history.
I admit my OCD conditions are driven largely by anxiety I experience. Those rituals I perform look ridiculous from outsiders but they are my coping mechanism, my safe haven – to help me stay in control when the world around me gets out of control.
Funnily enough, during the coronavirus pandemic, I have been surprisingly calm. So calm that I haven’t done anything extra to complement my fixated cleaning rituals. It is business as usual for me. I still go to shops and still take public transport like any other day. I don’t wear a mask when I go out and I rarely carry a hand sanitiser and if I do I only use it occasionally.
Early this week, I had a dry throat and also a bit mucus build up in my nose so I went to see my GP just to be sure. After he did a few checks here and there, he told me I did not have any flu-like symptoms which I already knew – no sore throat, no running nose, no sneezing, no coughing, no fever. Amid the spread of coronavirus everywhere in the world, he said the best defence is nothing but your immune system. Eat well, rest well, sleep well, take exercise, drink lots of water. That’s it.
I did exactly what the doctor ordered. I began to recover in a matter of 2 days.
On the subject of OCD, I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry. All the time I thought there was something wrong with me but as the number of people that have contracted coronavirus continues to increase worldwide, each day it passes, I am led to believe that I have been doing the right thing – to keep the germs and viruses at bay.
I admit life as an OCD sufferer is not easy and those rituals I do to keep things in order drain me completely but I must also say, I have “toned down” a bit.
What now? Stay healthy. No panic about pandemic! When it comes to disinfecting, my challenge is to give my OCD a break and do only what’s necessary and sensible. House work, as they say, it will always be there tomorrow…
Ted
Do You Want Money Or Sanity?
This is one of the reasons why I don’t make plans for the future, not even tomorrow or the weekend.
After only 1 week of employment, I have resigned as Office Manager.
The truth of the matter is I met lots of nice people there. I mean they are really friendly. They made me feel welcome and included. But unfortunately, one toxic person in the team is enough to ruin your day. So, wait no more. I decided it’s time for damage control and to tell them hasta la vista baby, I won’t be back!
Why so soon? Well, I say: Why not! If you can do it right now, why let days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, before it becomes too little too late?
Do you want Money or Sanity? Which one would you choose? Sure, money talks, it may even walk. But only sanity helps you sleep better at night. For me, the answer is clear and simple. I didn’t have to think. I love money but I love sanity even more.
If the worst comes to the worst, one day when I run out of money, I can always sell my stuff, my car, my home but I will never sell my soul.
I left the office around noon yesterday. As I stepped out of the building, I felt free and alive, a weight off my shoulders. Before I got home, I went to spend a few good hours at a local park, just soaking up in the sun and enjoying a free time the first time in a long time. Gee, I really missed being in the sun.
I am a bit over all the anti-bacterial chemical stuff I put on my skin lately. Getting the natural sunshine all over my body works far better for me – the best germ and virus killer.
What now? Crunch time! No doubt some uncertainty, difficulties and challenges ahead of course. But often at a time like this, that’s when my real strengths start to shine through. I am going straight back to job hunting again. I will also continue to do what I love – writing and some creative projects.
Since Jamie passed away on the 6th of March 2020, I have lost about 5 kilos, that’s more than half of his body weight. I also found myself not wanting to smile or smiling less and less. But after I handed in my resignation yesterday, I noticed I have started to smile at least once again…
Ted 🙂
Finding Gratitude After Losing My Dog
The week has gone by both quickly and slowly in several aspects. It has been 9 days since Jamie passed away, 3 days since I started my new job.
When Lynda, my former colleague said to me that being made redundant is one of the best things that has ever happened to her, I was not totally convinced. I did try to adopt this philosophical approach to my own situation but only in hindsight was I able to see the profound meaning behind it.
A few days ago, I started to practice gratitude and apply it to my life. Now I realise redundancy was a blessing in disguise. Since losing my job, I had entire 5 weeks, day and night to spend with Jamie. Then, unexpectedly this thing happened, I had a choice to make. Letting him go is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I would rather bear the pain of losing him for the rest of my life than seeing him in pain for another 24 hours.
On Wednesday night, I went to pick up Jamie’s ashes from the vet. While there, I also got everything I wanted to clarify clarified. At last, he is home again. No one can ever take him away from me. How lucky I was to have had Jamie in my life. From the day when I took this 2 month old puppy home till the day when I let him go at 13. This tiny, fluffy fellow gave his whole life to me. I am grateful for that.
Looking at this shape I am in, I can not imagine if I was still siting in front of my computer preparing for job applications. I am grateful for the fact I have a job to go to when I wake up in the morning.
The love and support from my friends and family has been amazing. Especially my mum, she came to visit me last Sunday night to make sure I was OK. On Tuesday we then went bush walking together. I was meant to take Jamie there that day he passed away but never had the chance again. So she came to complete the walk on Jamie’s behalf. What can I say? I am the luckiest number 1 son in the world…
To Give And Receive
I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it was just one of those spur of the moment decisions. Yesterday morning right before I got out of bed, I decided: I don’t need a lot of stuff to be happy anymore.
So, without too much thinking, I opened the closet and the clothes drawers in my bedroom, selected 10 ties and 7 shirts from a range of many, I thought it was about time to give them away to charity.
Long story short. The clothing bin at Vinnies near my place was full, so I ended up going further to the Salvos instead. It didn’t appear there was any permanent clothing bin outside the church, so I went in to enquiry about it. The lady in the entrance was kind enough to tell me that I could simply leave my to-be-donated clothes on the floor in one of the rooms further down the corridor. So I did.
Just when I was about to go, that same lady came to me and said: Hey, would you like to join us? I said: No thanks. I am not a church goer. She acknowledged it with a smile. I don’t know why I stayed but I told her that I’m very upset, my dog has passed away. She expressed her sorry then asked if I have a picture of my puppy. I said: Yes, but I can’t talk about him at the moment. Next, she asked me if OK to pray for me. I said: OK.
I must say I was quite moved by the words she said. She prayed to God to bring me hope. She even thanked God for bringing me there. At last, she told me don’t throw away Jamie’s toys and don’t be in a hurry to get another dog, when time is right a new dog will come to me.
How would she know? No idea. I am certainly not planing on getting a new dog now and in the future. But it’s just nice to have someone like her in our community, a total stranger who’s wiling to give you some words of comfort and warmth during tough time, even there is nothing in it for them…
Not Scared Anymore
Yesterday I decided to dry my tears and go venturing out a bit.
One way to honouring my love for Jamie (my dog’s name) is to continue to do what we loved to do together.
So I came to this beautiful bush – Harold Reid Reserve in Middle Cove to have some quiet moment with myself, also to make up the missing walk we were supposed to do on Jamie’s last day. Thanks to all those walks we’d done over the years, there are many places in Sydney I can go to feel very close to Jamie.
It’s funny, after Jamie’s passing, those things I used to be scared of, they no longer scare me anymore…
Ted ❤️
My Life Will Not Be The Same Again
Since my dog’s passing, I have received many friends’ heartfelt messages. I am so touched and moved by their love and support. Thank you.
Looking at the last photo of Jamie I’ve ever taken. He was with my parents, my brother and my sister on the phone in Japan. We were all there for him on his last day. I will never forget it.
Jamie gave his whole life to me. He changed my life for better. He even saved my life. This unexpected loss has been really hard to take. I had Jamie as a puppy when he was 2 months old back in May 2007. When I saw him the first time, I felt in love with him straight away. Now, not having him around, my life will not be the same again.
I had a good cry that night, the first time in 9 years. The next day when I woke up not seeing Jamie, I cried again. The room has become so strangely quiet, I miss him.
I was on the phone with my mum before writing this. We talked a lot about how our lives have been blessed and enriched by this little fellow. I was so so lucky to have had Jamie in my life.
Right now, my heart is broken. The pain and sadness I’m experiencing is indescribable. I’m going to allow myself to grieve. Jamie is one and only. He’s irreplaceable.
I’m really looking forward to picking up his ashes next week. A few years ago, I made a promise to him that I will continue to take him out for a walk even after he died. He didn’t know it. Now I’m going to deliver my promise. I knew how much he loved our walks in the bush and around beaches. So, Jamie, when you come home, we will start going out and about again every week.
Thank you my Jamie boy for everything. Your memories will stay with me FOREVER.
Ted xxx
My Dog Jamie Will Be Forever In My Heart
My dog Jamie passed away on the 6th of March 2020 – the hardest day of my life. The toughest decision I have ever made…
It is the last time I held my little Jamie boy in my arms. Daddy loves you and will love you for the rest of my life.
Daddy’s heart hurts so much and will continue to hurt for a long time but Daddy promises you, I will remain strong because that is what you have taught me all those years.
Thank you for being a huge part of my life. You will forever be in my heart, Jamie. Be playful, have fun and keep smiling you little naughty boy. We will meet again…
Lots of love, kisses and hugs,
Ted xxx
Ted Tsai 