Month: April 2020

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Finding Clarity In The Still Of The Night

Even though I’ve been doing my bit to stay at home during the Coronavirus pandemic, it’s virtually impossible to avoid close contact with other humans. What do you do? Be prepared and stay safe!

A month ago I received a renewal notice for my car registration. By law every car in NSW that is more than 5 years old will need to have a safety check before anything else. Like it or not, it’s mandatory, it’s gotta be done.

To get it out of the way as soon as possible, I booked a car servicing time a week later. I must admit, once the booking was done, I started to feel a little anxious about how they would handle my car.

Thankfully, the technician and the staff in the workshop did an excellent job to ensure that my car is not only safe to drive, but also hygienically clean free from nasty germs and viruses. A plastic protective cover for the driver seat, a protective sheet for the car floor mat, and a disinfectant wipe for the wheel and all that. I was impressed.

Before my car was ready for pick up, I had 3 good hours to myself. It was a beautiful autumn morning, so I thought why not walking down to the nearest Balmoral Beach for some free time.

Surprised and not surprised at the same time, there was no crowd. Just some seniors and a few young families with their kids in the water. As usual I proceeded to the quieter end where my dog Jamie and I used to hang out whenever we came here. Time stood still as those fond memories started to pop up…

We’ve seen how the world has slowed down on many fronts due to the Coronavirus outbreak but it hasn’t stopped by any means, and the hard fact is it won’t pause because of your personal stories, no matter how touching they are. It’s human nature… Over time, people do become desensitised.

Having gone through some of toughest times in my life after losing my job and my dog, I realized, being a good story teller is not enough. I need to be a good change manager, too! But the question is: Where do I start?

A couple of nights ago, I was taking a bath trying to rejuvenate. There you are, in the still of the night, when it’s quiet and calm, when you’re completely naked and alone by yourself. No devices and no noises to distract you, what do you look for?

Oddly enough, those thoughts you struggled to make sense of earlier will start to crystallise one at a time. Right there and then, I asked my dog Jamie a hypothetical question: Had our situations been reversed, what would you do going forward?

Then I heard a voice talking back to me: I would be very sad but I would be very brave, I would lick my wounded heart. I would adjust, I would adapt and I would go on living each day to the best of my ability…

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Reality, Should I Believe It Or Not?

Is reality real?

This is me 4 weeks ago taking my dog Jamie (his hair) to my favourite weekend getaway. Since discovering this hidden gem 8 years ago, we’d been hanging out here a lot. It had everything I wanted all in one place – peace and quiet, a bush on one side and a beach on the other.

In places like this, whichever way I turn to, there’ll always be a vision of us together. I know some of our footprints we left behind in the past won’t be buried in the sand anytime soon – That’s the beauty of going the road less travelled.

Well into the night, a magical thing happened when I got home. The bowl (porcelain) that I used to keep Jamie’s ashes (sealed tightly in a bag) had a bit “temperature”. It felt a bit warm when I touched it. I was mesmerised by it.

I’m a science kind of guy, if some phenomena can’t be proved by science, I’d rather not believe it or at least remain sceptical till it’s been proven to be true. But let’s face it, sometimes science has its own limitations. Not everything can be measured scientifically or conducted in a lab. One perfect example is, to this day, no one scientist in the world can prove conclusively that it’s the chicken or the egg came first.

They say Seeing is believing. But in real life, I’ve “seen” time and time again, it’s more a case of: There’s more to it than meets the eye.

I don’t know why but since Jamie’s passing I’ve started a new self discovery journey – to explore my relationship with the universe, from a spiritual stand point of course. Just to be clear, I’m not a religious person, nor do I practise any particular faith. There’re pros and cons. OK, I’m a free agent, not bound by any preconceptions or teachings. But because of it, I’m on my own and my free will is too primitive, just not enough for me to find some answers. That means, I have homework to do.

It’s time to learn, un-learn and re-learn.

A few days ago I woke up hearing a voice in my head: It’s your beliefs that create your reality. I immediately hit back and said (not verbally): No way! Reality is just something that happens to you. But deep down, I knew this is not it, there’s more to it.

Remember that famous quote by Henry Ford: Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right.

It’s human nature, if you believe in something, you’ll keep on finding evidence to back it up and support it. Likewise, if you don’t believe in something, you’ll look out for information to reinforce your non-believer beliefs.

For some bizarre reason, I believe Jamie is alive somewhere, in a different space, perhaps in the fourth dimension. Some may argue that it’s my wishful thinking. OK, maybe I need a reality check, but who can prove me right or wrong? No one.

After a few days of self reflection here and there, I’ve come to realize:

1. I’m 100% responsible for my decision of letting Jamie go. So, I have to bear 100% consequences of my action. That includes pain. Pain is inevitable. But pain is also invaluable information.

2. Do not force the answers, they will come to you naturally and unexpectedly.

3. When “time is right”, Jamie will send out signs or hints only in a language we both understand.

4. Jamie lives in my heart and will always be there for as long as I live. I see myself as an extension of him.

5. The best way to honour Jamie’s love for me is continue to follow in his “footsteps” and do what we loved to do.

When you seek comfort, what you get in return is only temporary. But when you seek reality, what you get in return is (more) permanent. Remember the word “Reality”, it has no plural form for a reason. That says it all.

If I believe he is, then he is. If I don’t believe he is, then he is not.

It’s up to me…

Ted

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Will You Press The Reset Button On Your Life?

At tough times like this, it’s writing that has kept me going.

In between, my heartfelt thanks to friends who have phoned or messaged me. Some have read or commented on my posts to show their care. If you’re reading this, I wanted you to know that your support has been amazing!

Two weeks ago while I was home I received a call from Steve, my ex reporting manager in the last workplace. Likewise, he wanted to find out if I’m doing OK.

Before I picked up his call, I was in a middle of shredding papers. Honestly, they’d been sitting in the cupboard for years. From memories, never had I once gone back to look at them again. That afternoon I noticed the joints in the cupboard looking a bit too loose, I thought if I don’t do anything about it now, soon the whole unit will collapse.

Getting rid of those old documents (tax invoices/receipts over 7 years old and some marketing materials/ads) was the major achievement of the day. I don’t know how to explain it but it was indeed very therapeutic. I’d recommend it to everyone. If you’re bored at home, why not go over the stacks of papers and throw some out today.

Anyway, in the beginning of our conversation, I was telling him about life after redundancy and all that. Because Steve and I were both in the same boat, he could understand why I said I’m taking a break, not looking for jobs at the moment.

Well, job loss, been there, done that, I can handle it, but what’s been affecting me most more than anything else is the passing of my dog Jamie. Since he asked, I told him that creating a little shrine at home in honour of Jamie has given me a great sense of comfort but most importantly it was something I wanted to do to make sure that when life returns to “normal” and when things start to get busier again, I don’t forget about how much he meant to me and what we’d gone through together all those years.

Lastly, surprise surprise we were talking about the coronavirus pandemic. I was somewhat cynical about how it has brought out the worst in human nature. People have become so selfish and acted so irrationally. Behaviours like panic buying and hoarding stuff like toilet papers and facial tissues, leaving absolutely nothing in the shelves for other shoppers. It’s been so crazy. Just unbelievable some people.

Interestingly, Steve had a different take on the pandemic. Certainly more positive than mine. Like those front-line health workers in the hospitals, risking their lives helping cornonavirus patients fighting their lives. He did have a good point.

Scary but true, what we hold dear today can be taken away from us in a flash, faster than you can prepare for. The thing is, amid this cronoavirus crisis, people have started to take a step back and re-evaluate what’s really important in their life, it’s like pressing the reset button.

Pressing the reset button? Huh? Twice Steve mentioned this very same phrase during our conversation. What was he on about?

Sure, it’s time to press the reset button.

But what is it supposed to mean? For me, it’s about going back to the drawing board and starting all over again.

Nice try! It sounds a bit too vague. Am I bullshitting myself? I decided to walk away from writing for a day or two and see what I’d come up with.

So, a little less than 24 hours later, now I got it.

Pressing the reset button on your life is not about adding more stuff into life, instead, by going back to the beginning of this post about paper shredding and why I felt good about it, I realized…

It’s about removing stuff that no longer serves you…

Ted

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Love The Flaws In The Past

Perhaps it’s a case of having spent too much time at home lately, I’ve come to realisation that I don’t need to have a lot to be happy or feel good enough.

Well, some of you may already know I’m going through really tough times in my life at the moment, after losing my job and my beloved dog Jamie.

The world is a fucking mess right now, perhaps some people out there are doing even tougher than I? I don’t know their faces nor their names, they probably don’t go out in public that much either but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Washed and ready to go. A week ago, I decided to donate three beautiful Valentino polo shirts to charity. They were given to me as a gift by my cousin when he came to visit my family from Taipei Taiwan many years ago. If I remember correctly, I’d worn one of them once only.

When I take stock of my small humble place, it’s not hard to see some pieces of furniture possibly need a face-lift. Those flaws were from normal wear and tear but some scratch marks on the coffee table, the leather coach and the dinning chairs were caused by guess who? They were a masterpiece of my lovely, naughty Jamie boy of course. Luckily, he’d never shown any interest in my piano.

Gone with the old, in with the new. It says a lot about a materialist like me.

A few years ago, I vowed that one day when Jamie is gone, I’d replace those old pieces of furniture with new ones. Now he’s really gone, it’s funny I have absolutely zero intention to replace them. Instead, I want to keep them all for as long as I live.

The scratch marks, chew marks, bite marks and whatever marks are some of the living memories that I now treasure most. Those so-called flaws in the past today look so beautifully priceless. No one can ever erase them…

Ted

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Going Out And About On My Own

Ironically, sometimes I go out to stay away from people. I guess depending on where you live, there is bound to be somewhere you can go to spend time with yourself, enjoy the serenity and have a quiet moment away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Luckily, where I live, there are lots of hidden tracks leading to beautiful bush lands. Most of them I discovered by pure accident when I was going out and about with my dog Jamie. Another reason for being thankful for having had this fury friend in my life.

I know we are advised to stay at home amid the coronavirus outbreak but then it should not become an excuse for being miserable or sedentary. Since we can still all go out exercising under the government guidelines, a few days ago I decided to venture into this reserve for an afternoon walk.

After a solo 3 hour work out session in nature, I felt great and alive again. Though there was a minor casualty – I got 3 insect bites. Tough! My blood was too delicious. But hey if I wanted to look this sexy in my outfit, I guess I had to pay the price…

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Grieve In Your Own Way

A grieving process is a very personal one, everyone goes through it in their own way at some point. No one has the authority to judge you or preach to you about how long it will take and how it should be done.

It is tempting but never compare yourself with others.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no timetable, no time frame to stick to, you just take whatever it takes and as long as it takes.

I remember one night when I was lying in bed next to my dog Jamie, I asked him: Hey, Jamie boy, what am I going to do if one day you are gone? He looked at me with his big round eyes as if he was saying: What are you worried about? I am the one who is going first, I am not worried. You just take one day at a time… Then we both fell asleep.

The next morning when we woke up, we continued to live our lives like it is business as usual. I went to work, he stayed at home.

It has been a month since my dog Jamie passed away on the 6th of March. Though I have stopped crying, I am still grieving the loss. What can I say? Time flies? Time heals? What a load of cliché!

I do not need to convince to the world that Jamie was more than a dog to me. The way he has changed my life and continues to change is way beyond words.

A month ago, I was talking to a friend on the phone about my pain and sadness over Jamie’s passing, she then pointed out something which I had never thought of: Ted, you did not choose Jamie, Jamie chose you. He came into your life for a purpose, when his mission was completed, it was time for him to go… Those words of hers were so profoundly powerful and true. Looking back, from the start how I had Jamie when he was only a 2 month old puppy, it explains everything.

Last week came a new addition to my place – a memorial I set up in a corner of the living room – a hall table which I put together and decorated with a couple of photos of Jamie, his favourite toys and of course his ashes and a tiny part of his hair I clipped that night he passed away and have kept it inside a little jar since. Interestingly, the scent of his hair has not faded even up till this day.

This memorial, Jamie’s final resting place is where I can reminisce, commemorate and connect with him spiritually. It is full of sunlight during the day and has lots of good energy around it. It will be the last thing I see when I go out and the first thing I see when I come home.

They say water is life. When there is a sign of water, there is a sign of life. If you believe it then you will see why every morning I go preparing a bowl of water and place it in front of his photo. People can say I am in denial, superstitious, or whatever they like, but for me, Jamie is just having a long sleep, he is hibernating somewhere. One day, when I am gone, he will be there waiting for me and we will meet again. 

Dogs have feelings, too. Just like humans, they experience fears, sadness, excitement, happiness and all that, but they do not dwell on the past, they do not worry about the future, they simply live in the present, in the moment. This is one of biggest lessons I have learned from my dog.

What now? What is going forward? It is the legacy Jamie has left behind that I will continue on while living through the pain of losing him. Ironically, in his such short span of life, for 12 years and 10 months we had lived together, he has been the greatest influence on my life. For that, I am forever grateful.

Last but not least, dare I say: You have never been loved till you have been loved by a dog…