My anxiety has a life of his own. Often he’s very opinionated and he doesn’t always listen to me. But guess what?! The table is about to turn.
Now, he’s devastated. After I’ve decided to break up with him, he’s anxious and worried. Well, he should’ve known better. This is just a little taste of how I felt all those times. Already I can see my anxiety isn’t coping. Sweet!
He thought he’d have me for life. I thought that too. But last night, I wanted to end a decades long relationship with him, for good. To make the process less complicated, I didn’t even bother telling him what I was planning to do – leaving him.
As clingy as usual, he’s begging me to stay. He says he deserves a second chance. I say sure fat chance, that’s all you’ll get from me. Tonight, I’m on my own. Hasta la vista baby!
Isn’t it funny?! Our anxiety gets anxious too. The moment we stop giving a shit about him and what he’s done to us, he starts to freak out like there’s no tomorrow – Are you threatening to walk out on my life? You bet! Honey.
Anxiety, over the years, has given me nothing but…
- The worst case scenarios
- The black-and-white thought pattern
- The all-or-nothing mindset
- Making a false alarm
- The distorted belief system
It’s so laughable, now he’s giving himself what he’s given me. As much as I’d like to, he won’t get a sympathy vote from me. He’s created a monster himself, now deal with it.
In all seriousness, after many lessons learned, I’m now older and wiser. I’m going to be strategic about the existence of anxiety. I won’t waste my breath telling him to fuck off. He won’t just because I say so. There’s no competition between myself and my anxiety. Only misunderstanding.
I doubt anxiety will ever want to leave me alone. Judging by a track record, he’ll arrive unannounced and knock on my door again, when least expected. Rest assured, I won’t kick him out just that. As said, the key word here is strategic. Next time when anxiety comes visiting me in his usual signature move, I’ll be around. We’ll play games and have fun together. I’ve got a playhouse for anxiety. Come on in! I’ll be playing his host and he’ll be playing my guest. Coffee or tea anyone?
Anxiety, I’ve known him long enough to know how he operates. Many people who went through their own anxiety attack and came out of it OK, all say one thing that helped them overcome anxiety is acceptance. I totally agree. That’s why I’m not giving my anxiety the convenience (and benefits) of fighting against him. I’ll say it loud and clear: I accept my anxiety without an asterisk mark. No strings attached. No small print.
Anxiety is everywhere. He exists for a reason but he’s only useful for the “right” reason. Deep down anxiety is like a security blanket, a comfort zone, trying to protect us from harm even when there’s no visible sign of danger near and far. He’s very judgmental and demanding. But most of all, he just doesn’t know any better.
So, last night I tried to break up with my anxiety. It wasn’t easy for him. After a bit role-playing, we’ve begun to understand each other better – That’s a step further in the right direction. After all, anxiety is just another voice in the head that creates a whirlwind turmoil inside. That voice is not to be muted, but to be listened to and guided to what it is in the present…
Ted Tsai 