My anxiety has a life of his own. Often, he’s very opinionated, and he doesn’t always listen to me. But guess what?! The tables are about to turn.
Now, he’s devastated. After I decided to break up with him, he’s anxious and worried. Well, he should’ve known better. This is just a little taste of how I felt all those times. Already I can see he’s not coping. Sweet!
He thought he’d have me for life. I thought that too. But last night, I wanted to end a decades-long relationship with him for good. To make the process less complicated, I didn’t even bother telling him what I was planning to do – leaving him.
As clingy as usual, he’s begging me to stay. He says he deserves a second chance. I say, “Sure, fat chance! That’s all you’ll get from me.” Tonight, I’m on my own. Hasta la vista, baby!
Isn’t it funny?! My anxiety gets anxious too. The moment I stop giving a shit about him and what he’s done to me, he starts to freak out like there’s no tomorrow. “Are you threatening to walk out on my life?” You bet, honey.
Anxiety, over the years, has given me nothing but…
- The worst-case scenarios
- The black-and-white thought pattern
- The all-or-nothing mindset
- False alarms
- The distorted belief system
It’s so laughable, now he’s giving himself what he’s given me. As much as I’d like to, he won’t get a sympathy vote from me. He’s created a monster himself; now he can deal with it.
In all seriousness, after many lessons learned, I’m now older and wiser. I’m going to be strategic about the existence of anxiety. I won’t waste my breath telling him to fuck off. He won’t leave just because I say so. There’s no competition between myself and my anxiety, only misunderstanding.
I doubt anxiety will ever want to leave me alone. Judging by his track record, he’ll arrive unannounced and knock on my door again when least expected. Rest assured, I won’t kick him out just like that. As I said, the key word here is strategic.
Next time he comes visiting me in his usual signature move, I’ll be around. We’ll play games and have fun together. I’ve got a playhouse for anxiety. Come on in! I’ll be the host, and he’ll be my guest. Coffee or tea, anyone?
Anxiety, I’ve known him long enough to know how he operates. Many people who have gone through their own anxiety attacks and come out of them okay all say one thing that helped them overcome anxiety is acceptance. I totally agree. That’s why I’m not giving my anxiety the convenience (and benefits) of fighting against him. I’ll say it loud and clear: I accept my anxiety without an asterisk mark. No strings attached. No small print.
Anxiety is everywhere. He exists for a reason, but he’s only useful for the “right” reason. Deep down, anxiety is like a security blanket, a comfort zone, trying to protect us from harm even when there’s no visible sign of danger near or far. He’s very judgmental and demanding. But most of all, he just doesn’t know any better.
So, last night I tried to break up with my anxiety. It wasn’t easy for him. After a bit of role-playing, we’ve begun to understand each other better – that’s a step further in the right direction.
After all, he’s just another voice in the head that creates a whirlwind of turmoil inside. That voice is not to be muted but to be listened to and guided back to what is in the present…
Ted Tsai 