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Want To Stop Complaining Instantly? Think Big!

Complaining is part of life. We complain just about everything from traffic, money, weather, waiting in a queue, bad customer service, work, to our partner, family, sometimes even ourselves. You name it.

There’re times when complaining is essential. There’re also times when complaining is a complete waste of time and energy. We know complaining can serve us well when we have a strong case and we’re looking to improve a situation. We also know complaining can produce no good results when we just want to vent. Ironically, people on the receiving end often put up with our ranting without complaining. Most of time we don’t even realize it till we see the big picture. What? The big picture? Read on and you’ll see why.

In February/March 2016, all our Sydney staff were sent to Melbourne for a 3-day conference. I was both excited and nervous as I’d never been to Melbourne. Only the night before I was due to fly, then I started to pack my personal belongings. My goal was to travel as light as possible. On the day I arrived at the airport, I was a little bit late. So, I was in a mad rush to get my check-in done. Luckily, my checked baggage was sorted within minutes thanks to the fast Self Service Check-in facilities. As I proceeded to a security screening point, I realized I had a piece of nail scissors in my carry-on baggage. Damn! I should’ve put it in my checked baggage but there was no turning back. No surprise, it was confiscated and dumped into a bin. The customs officer who caught it and threw it away, looked at me as if I was a terrorist. I wasn’t happy, but time was running out, I’d better hurry up or I’d miss my flight.

A few minutes later, I saw my colleagues still standing at the gate and waiting. None of them had boarded the plane. It gave me a peace of mind. Great! It wasn’t too bad after all. Feeling hugely relived, I thought finally I can pace myself and take it easy. I went up to them to join their conversation. While there soon I found myself starting to complain about my bad experience just then. Interestingly, at that point, a colleague next to me was scrolling through pages and pages of his photo albums on the phone. I happened to see a picture of him – a shaved head with stitches around his skull. It looked like someone had cut it open with a knife or scissors then put staples back on to close it again. It was quite scary to watch. Right there and then, I stopped. I realised my complaint was nothing compared to the image I’d just seen. I felt a bit embarrassed, almost ashamed. But out of curiosity, I went to ask him what was that all about. He said he was diagnosed with a brain tumour a few years ago. Following that he underwent a brain operation to have it removed. It was a success. Then, he was treated with a chemotherapy to ensure the monster never return again. That picture of him was taken not long after the surgery was done. Who would’ve known that years later it turned out to be the big picture for me to see what really matters at the end of the day.

What if you’re the one who receives complaints? One of my friends who was in a managerial position had a smart way of handling chronic complaints from her staff. She’d listen to them patiently, then hit back with the big question like: So, what do you suggest doing to change it? This would put them in problem-solving mode as opposed to just sitting there and whinging about it.

Next time, when you catch yourself or someone complaining about something that’s clearly not worth your time and attention. You know those types of complaints – just whining and whining. Whether it’s done in person, on the phone or in social media, think big!

The big picture: Does it matter at the end of the day?

The big question: What do you suggest doing to change it?

 

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Down But Not Making You Down

Confidence, we all want it but not everyone gets it.

Where does confidence come from after all? What makes one more confident than the other? Does confidence mean you need to be a loud and bossy type or appear superior in front of other people? Do you have to be a certain breed to exude a high level of confidence? If you haven’t got it, can you just fake it to make it? So many questions here but the answer might be just one only. Mel Robbins says: Confidence is a skill, not a personality trait. It is the willingness to try. Do you agree? Read the following story, it may change the way you believe what confidence is.

So, I was on the train one Friday night after work. As usual, I proceeded to the middle carriage and stood in a quiet spot. There was nothing else to do except starring at my phone and scrolling through pages and pages of Facebook feeds. This commute was no difference from any other days. But it all started to change when this 30-year-old-ish lady got on the train. She came sitting down next to two female passengers – Presumably a mother and a daughter. They had two big suitcases standing side by side against their knees. With check-in bag tags still hanging, it looked like they’d just got out of the airport or something. Right there and then, this young lady just burst out and started to ask them a few questions like where they’d travelled from etc. Up to that point, I was reading some stuff on my phone, but my attention started to drift a bit. I was drawn by the energy she brought into this confined space. It was delightful to watch her personality shine through like a social butterfly. A great deal of charisma, confidence and a good sense of humour came right out of her – she even joked about her grey hair. Surly she didn’t mind people around having a laugh about it. Soon I found myself smiling and I noticed other passengers were smiling, too. It was infectious. What can I say? She added much fun to this tedious train ride. When we got off at the next station, everyone still carried the side-effect and wore a little grin on the face. I wondered what the incoming passengers might’ve thought. Well, she made our night that’s why. What was so special about this young lady you might ask? Well, do I have to mention that she appeared to be someone who had Down syndrome? I was glad that we had someone like her in our society!

If you are a quiet person, you can be confident in a quiet way. You don’t have to change yourself to be a mouthy human being. If you are an introvert, you can be confident in an introverted way. You don’t have to change yourself to look like an extrovert or act in such a way that’s totally opposite to your true character. To me, when it comes to confidence, it’s all about confide in your identity. How so? Let’s look at the word “confident” and unpack it piece by piece. You’ll see what I mean. I’m not a linguistic expert but I love exploring words in my unique way and make it my own.

All in all, if you buy what I’m selling here which is the idea of personal experiences, then you’ll know that at the end of the day, it’s our personal experiences that form part of our identities, something that no one can ever take away from us. Knowing that it’s already within us, we can work on bringing out the best in us and the rest? Just smile or have a laugh. That comes with confidence…

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One War That’s Always Worth Fighting For

As I write this, I ask myself: How many wars are going on in the world at this moment, right now? Look what’s been dominating the news headlines everywhere – a trade war between US and China is heating up. We see both sides blowing hot and cold about their moves while trying to resolve their differences diplomatically. As to what’s going to happen next is anyone’s guess. Things may well unfold further and further but no one can say decisively who’s going to win and who’s going to lose. Meanwhile, there’re civil wars, cold wars and wars with no name happening in other parts of the globe that we probably don’t know about. Big or small, the number is countless. It’s sad but true. So, what are people fighting for or against and in the name of what? Justice? Freedom? Power? Fairness? Ideology? Religion? Retaliation? All wars bear some heavy consequences and incur human causalities whether it’s physical, mental or financial. There’s a price to pay. Even if one side comes out of it winning the war but may still end up losing the battle. No wonder they say you need to pick your battles wisely.

What do I know about war? Back in the day when I was doing International Relation as part of my Political Science major at The University of New South Wales (UNSW), I learned that war is not evitable and often the last resort to resolving conflict between countries or military groups etc. That’s what you do when all other means have been exhausted and failed to produce desired outcomes. Well, then it raises an important question: What makes going to war worth a while? Sadly, we don’t get an answer till war is over. It’s such a complicated issue that sometimes we’d better let history be the judge.

Looking at something closer to home. February, the last month of summer here in Sydney Australia. After weeks of soaring heat and high humidity, I’m really looking forward to colder months ahead. But what’s coming along isn’t so welcoming – a flu season. The flu virus comes in 3 different types A, B and C. Depending on the regions, flu can strike either in winter months or all year round. The trickiest part of the flu virus is it’s always changing. The flu vaccine available out there is by far our best defense but every year we’re only playing catch-up. Why? Next year, there’ll be a new strain coming out hence a new type of vaccine needs to be developed to tackle it. Have heard enough of the flu virus? What about the word we all dread to hear – Cancer. How many people and their families and friends have been affected by it? Stomach cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer etc. Aren’t they scary?! Fortunately, cancer is no longer a death sentence as long as it’s detected at an early stage and treated accordingly. That’s just a common sense. Overall, these bad guys – the flu virus, deadly bacteria and cancerous cells don’t really discriminate against your race, your religion, your identity or your status. All they care about is to find a crack in your immune system, sneak in, launch an attack on your cells and watch you falling apart.

So, the title here is: One war that’s always worth fighting for? What is it then? By now, you would’ve got a good idea. That’s right! What I’m advocating here is forget our ideological differences, drop the stupid prejudice, spend more time and energy on what matters and what will make a difference to humanity – fighting against our real common enemies – all types of flu, all types of cancer, and all the diseases that have plagued our communities, families and friends…

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The End Of A Chapter, Not The End Of The World

Do you dread changes? Who can avoid changes? Seasons change, things change, people change, businesses change. People come and people go. The truth is no two days are the same.

As our situations continue to fluctuate, it’s quite scary to think that what we have today may well run away from us tomorrow. Whether we’re the ones who call the shots or not, there’ll bound to be a time when life unfavourably turns upside down or decides to go its own separate way. Unfortunate life events like a relationship break-up, a redundancy, a health scare etc. can mess up with our mental health and affect our outlook on life. Remember when last time it happened? How did you cope with it? Did it seem like forever? Did you see it as the end of a chapter or the end of the world? How did you finally get out of it?

Personally, I’m easy to fall prey to that black-and-white thinking pattern and get myself into a position where I see no light at the end of tunnel. Does it sound all too familiar? I don’t think I’m alone in this. Looking back at my past troubles, I remember how I sat on the floor in my living room thinking if I can go on another day, another night. It’s funny now I’m speaking in the present (continuous) tense, I can be quite casual about it. Yes, I did go on another day, another night but not without struggles.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word struggle? For me, I automatically associate it with the grieving process. The grieving process sounds heavy but he isn’t a bad boy by any definition. He just needs you to honour him and give some attention to his crying out loud voice. That’s all he asks for. We know that process is unarguably painful but utterly necessary for survival and recovery even though we don’t want to admit it. The best analogy I can use is it’s like you get a severe sunburn, the aftermath is the skin is trying to shed its old layer before the new layer has a chance to grow.

Here I am writing this post to tell the world that it’s the end of a chapter, not the end of the world. I’m sure if you’ve been there and done that, then you’ll know it’s true. You’ll also agree that the grieving process is part of the package, therefore it should be respected, not be played down or ridiculed by any means. It’s OK we all do it differently in the process. Looking at people around me, a colleague of mine was made redundant last week. As soon as he was told to leave, he became quite upset and withdrawn. At the end, he chose to go quietly and that was his way of “coming to terms” with the reality. Then, another colleague of mine is in the transition of getting divorced. For months she’s handled her relationship breakup like “it’s a business as usual”, so well that none of us in the office has noticed anything unusual about her broken marriage. She’s just one of those people that doesn’t like to show vulnerability in public. Two different people, two different reactions. No big deal. As much as we’d like to help people in their grieving process, they need time and space, not words full of cliché like “life goes on” or “you’ll be fine”. They won’t be taken in seriously because it’s meaningless.

As we finish off one chapter and prepare to step into the next chapter whether it’s a new job or a new relationship, what we’ll carry over is a new set of standards or better quality control so to speak. From there, things start to look up and I’ve seen evidence of successful transformation in numerous cases among my friends and ex coworkers. As for me, one thing I’ve learned in my own grieving process is the notion of expect the unexpected. Whether there’s something pleasant or unpleasant in store, with a “no expectations” mindset, it does get easier, come what may. It’s not about lowering the standards, it’s about not being controlled by the uncontrollable.

Now this post is about to draw to a close. Yes, all posts must come to an end. I thought I’d include a photo of a beautiful sunset over Sydney Harbour taken by myself, with a narrative: The reason why people keep falling in love with sunset is because it doesn’t last… Tomorrow, there’ll be a sunrise, a new chapter. Watch this space!

Thanks for reading. Catch ya in the next post soon!

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A Message To My 11 Month Old Niece

Do you know what it’s like to live a life of privilege? There’s nothing wrong with living life on a fast lane if you go out of your way to earn it. You work hard, play hard, day in, day out, sure you deserve it 100%. Self-righteous or not, privilege isn’t necessarily a dirty word. I’m a firm believer that privilege is something we earn, not something we own. But what if privilege is given to us without us doing the work?

My niece was born on Valentine’s Day 2018. For that reason, I call her little cupid. She’s now a healthy, active 11-month-old baby girl. The first time I saw her, she was only 2-day old and still at the hospital. From that moment on, I decided that I want to be a different type of uncle. An uncle like no others. I’ll be her friend, playmate, soulmate, coach and guidance. One day when she’s old enough to learn about this wild wild world we live in, I’ll be there to tell her the stories about our family – how we came to Australia and how we flourished in The Lucky Country. Oh man, so many things I want to pass down and instill in her but the one that sticks out from all others is the idea of taking nothing for granted. It’s a good virtue for anyone to have. Don’t you think?

Look around, there’s a sense of entitlement embedded in many of us these days which we often take for granted, be it the right to vote, to marry, to speak freely or to move into a new city or a different country etc. These so called human rights we were born with or grew up with did not come of their own accord but because a group of brave women and men before us, before our times, who had fought long and hard or risked their freedom or even lives to achieve equality and justice we now enjoy and regard as the norm. Over a year ago, I was fortunate enough to be part of the history – having a say in Australian Marriage Law. I’m proud of being one of the Yes voters in the postal survey conducted by ABS (Australian Bureau of Statistics). When the results were announced, the majority of Australians were overjoyed by an overwhelming, wide spread public support for marriage equality across all states and territories. What it led to was on the 7th of December 2017, Marriage Act was officially amended to include same sex couples. Right when the motion was passed in the federal parliament, Australia went to join the ranks of the other 25 nations to become the 26th country in the world to recognise same sex marriage. On that day, my niece wasn’t even born yet. This is just one of many examples. Things like Freedom of Information Act, multiculturalism, to name just a few. My niece like other babies around her age will grow up knowing her human rights are protected by law, largely thanks to those unsung heroes for their relentless work to fight against the old, unfair laws. Some taboos that were once thought to be sensitive, untouchable or even impossible, are now a way of life. Of course, there’re still more jobs to be done in all areas where discrimination may still be present. We can change the law but we can’t change people’s attitude overnight.

My little cupid, remember, you belong to nobody but yourself. Some day you’ll work your way up to discover a unique trait in yourself like no other, that’s your gift to the world. Give as if it’s a privilege but don’t ever allow anyone to take your goodness for granted. Somehow, I realize this is a message to uncle Ted, too…