Tag: Communication

Are you not on speaking terms with anyone? And? How long has this Cold War been going on for? Any hope that it’ll end soon? While you’re still in the midst of it, who’s suffering from it?

Chances are we’ve all done it before. I guess we’re all guilty of it too. Like it or not, sometimes we can get a bit passive aggressive in our behaviour – whether it’s in a verbal or non-verbal form.

Our interactions with other fellow human beings are as complicated as ever. Parents, partners, friends, relatives, bosses, co-workers, customers or strangers etc, we don’t always agree with them, neither do they with us. Conflict does occur from time to time. Even to our best effort and ability, some people simply don’t (want to) change. Well, to be fair, they may think the same about us, too. So, what do we do? Silence?

Before I go on. Shhh… Please stay quiet! Silence in progress!

Silence is like a secret weapon. Perhaps it’s our last resort! It’s subtle yet overt. We use it to teach people a lesson. But has anyone learned from it? Is it serving anyone?

With no words exchanged, what does it leave with us? It may seem peaceful on the outside but on the inside, it may not be as simple as the outside appears to be, the storm is wreaking havoc on us. Are we really getting things resolved by an act of pure silence?

In fact, silence is another form of communication. At its core, it’s manipulative. To state the obvious, deep down, we want to control the outcome, except this time round we do it from a different standpoint – we watch from the sidelines. We care but act like we don’t care. We don’t talk but we do lots of mind reading.

Is it true that silence is golden? Some practice silence like a virtue we should worship and follow. For me, silence has always got some negative connotation to it.

Here’s a bizarre case of silence I’d like to share with you. It dates back to 2003 when I was joining in a new team. I remember that morning my manager took me aside and said: Ted, don’t take it personally if Charlie doesn’t want to talk to you. Looking slightly confused, my instant reaction was: Are you serious? Really? Why is he like that?

So yes, in the office open space, Charlie sat merely a metre away from me. He’d refused to talk to me about anything since day one: no morning or afternoon greetings, no work stuff discussions, not acknowledging my existence, just nothing. Zero, none.

The situation continued like this for the next 2 years. It was awkward, uncomfortable to be there. The silence slowly worked its way to erode my confidence and affect me to the point that I felt like:

• I was just an outsider
• I was just a number
• I was just part of the furniture
• I didn’t fit in or belong

Then what? One day out of blue, like magic, over a team member’s farewell dinner, he pulled his chair closer to mine and started talking to me as if he’d known me for years – I’d been so used to his silence treatment that a token of his new gesture like this really took me by surprise. I literally had to look left and right and make sure he was talking to no one else but me. I was left feeling speechless and joyful, but at the same puzzled… I wondered why he suddenly decided to break his silence and connect with me. Perhaps I’d passed his character test?

The next day I went to tell my manager about it. He was very happy for me but sounded a bit sarcastic in his reply. He said: Well done Ted. Congratulations! It took me a bit longer. 3 years!

The moral of the story? Silence doesn’t build bridges, it burns bridges.

Don’t get me wrong about silence. A temporary silence such as doing meditation or just having a quiet moment alone can give us a leverage to gain clarity and calmness inside. But the long-standing silence that’s deliberately plotted and done in such a way over an extended period, with a hidden agenda, may prove to be more disastrous and counter-productive than helpful.

As you can see, when it comes to silence, there’s so much to explore – its depth, its causes and effects. I can’t be silent on the topic of silence. Very ironic!

Overall, silence does play a part in our lives. It’s not going away, nor can we escape from it. To capitalise on its impacts, it really depends on our intentions. With bad intentions, silence is like the clam before the storm, its detrimental side effects may not be apparent at first but can later make things go from bad to worse, worse to the worst. With good intentions, silence can buy us time and space, pave a way to better understanding ourselves and others, create a win-win situation for both sides.

If silence is your department, what does your silence “say” about you?

You can never know who is on the other side reading your on-line comments.

Social media has created a giant cyber space that allows us to speak or write as freely as we like while at the same time remain anonymous if we choose to. Its raising popularity continues to threaten the longevity of traditional media like newspaper and TV. We’ve seen some media companies suffer a major blow, land in deep water and lose ground in recent years. Some reacted quickly and transformed themselves into more digital-friendly entities. Some unfortunately were too slow to respond and went out of business.

Nowadays, social media platforms are readily available at our fingertips. With a few clicks we can set one up in minutes and get the ball rolling in no time. Anyone who broadcasts or publishes their work on internet can pretty much call themselves the media. In there, the old debate over Freedom of Speech seems to have re-surfaced. The line between acceptable language and unacceptable language couldn’t be more blurred.

The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” isn’t child’s play. Behind a brave face, is a fragile heart we don’t always get to see. The thing is we’re all prone to negative remarks. One bad comment circulating on the face of social media, can be seen by many people, friends, family and strangers. It’s enough to ruin someone’s day. What about some fake news we’ve heard time and time again? It’s going around, spreading like wildfire everywhere in the world.

Has Freedom of Speech gone too far? Living in a democratic society, we’re entitled to exercise our rights of freedom of speech. “The deal” is we’re free to express our opinions openly but only in a non-violent way. Yet, we can take it all for granted. Some use it and abuse it. To put things in perspective, in some parts of the world, Freedom of Speech is an unattainable commodity. Their fights continue while we sleep…

To dive in to the notion of Freedom of Speech, it’s all about the freedom to make our voices heard. One way to do that is through election. If you’re an overseas reader, in case you didn’t know, voting in Australia is mandatory. By law every eligible citizen is required to cast their vote during election or they’ll face a fine. Here on the election day, outside each polling station you’ll likely see an army of supporters and an array of volunteers for their candidates. They smile at you, hand out the how-to-vote sheets and if you don’t mind stopping for a minute or two, they’ll explain to you why you should vote for their favourite politicians. Generally, I don’t classify myself as a swing voter, my mind is pretty much made up before I do the ballot papers thing.

In the state of NSW, we just finished State Election 2 weeks ago. The night before the election was held, my commuter train got delayed. As a result, I was stuck inside a compartment for over half of an hour on Friday evening. This incident left a bad taste in my mouth that I vowed not to support my sitting member for the first time. Next day, when I went to vote, just 30 minutes before it closed, I met this interesting lady outside the polling place. She was there to support an independent candidate. I asked her why she’s doing it, she said in a strong tone: We need a different voice in this community, someone who can focus on the local issues…etc. I guess I was a bit swayed by her. Anyway, when I was done with the voting, I went out and still saw her there till the end. I was impressed by her dedication. I stopped again for a chat. This time I got to know her a little better. I learned she was a flight attendant working for Qantas. The next day she was due to fly to that city in that country. I commented how lucky she’s living the jet set lifestyle. She smiled and said: After a while, the novelty does wear off… Then she rolled her eyes and lamented in a joking way: Once I land in there tomorrow, I’ll be shut off from the outside world because I won’t have access to Facebook and Google… I laughed in agreement. Right at that moment, I also realized how lucky we are to live in a free country with unrestricted access to the Web. Our Freedom of Speech is assured and given to us “free of charge”. Importantly, the same goes for respect for the rights of others.

The fact that I can write pages and pages of posts expressing my opinions without fears, I’m thankful for it. But when do we go from here? When all is said and done, sometimes we still can’t shut up the noises and bigotry out there. When respect is not being respected, when someone still pushes our buttons, remember: The power is in your hands. Stay calm and keep your grace. Just push one of these buttons back – OFF or DELETE.

Does the idea of talking to strangers appeal to you? I understand it’s probably not everyone’s cup of tea but we don’t have to avoid it at all costs either.

Recently I’ve stepped out my comfort zone and started to make small talk with a selected range of strangers in public. It’s a mixed bag – both exhilarating and intimidating.

You can expect it’d be a lot easier if you have a dog with you. I’ve seen how quickly people drop their guard and come for a chat. My dog (Jamie) is way more popular than me. I don’t deny it. He draws lots of attention wherever he goes. Why wouldn’t he? A cutie like him. I can learn so much from his natural charisma.

Not surprisingly, the more comfortable you are with who you are, the more natural the interaction will flow through between you and a stranger. Personally, to reach that level of comfort and authenticity in front of someone you’ve never met and spoken with, it requires some mental preparation to begin with. I generally start it off by having a rough draft in my head, typically a very short sentence/question, then 123 I just dive straight into it. Then just let the nature takes its own course. It’s a matter of relying on my intuitions and spontaneity. Whatever comes out of it, it’s meant to be that way.

I admit I get cold feet at times particularly when I’m not sure if my unsolicited approach will be well-received. What would they think of me? Would they think I’m a freak or a weirdo?What if I get rejected? However most of my experiences so far have been pleasant.

I’ve chatted with people from other floors, overseas tourists, sales clerks at a department store, a commuter at the same bus stop, a pub manager, a construction worker, a surveyor, a drone pilot assistant, a film director to name just a few. Overall, strangers aren’t that scary. Almost everyone has a story to tell and to share.

The common denominator that I’ve found is that people appreciate the fact that you tell it like it is and aren’t trying to impose something on them, be it an idea, a concept, an ideology, a belief, a view or a product. The less judgmental and opinionated you are, the better you are reciprocated, even if you appear a bit lost, shaky, nervous, vulnerable or curious.

They say stranger are just friends you haven’t met yet. I can relate to it. The beauty of talking to strangers is you’ll probably never meet them again…