Month: May 2019

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to live a better life, have a better job, a better income, a better partner, a better house? Perhaps they just have a better luck or even a better problem! Better this and better that, whatever takes your fancy, you may begin to ask yourself: What do they have that I don’t have? Scrolling through pages of posts published on social media, we can easily see evidence of “We live in a result-driven, an outcome-obsessed society.” It’s all about the end product. We only get to see people cross the finishing line, but not the hard work that goes into it, which is often done behind the scenes. Nevertheless, we believe what we see on the outside is what we get from the inside. After all, seeing is believing. What’s wrong with it? Let’s dive in…

Perhaps you’re in a middle of doing housework, feeling a bit tired and bored, you decide to give yourself a break. You go to your smartphone, open the Facebook or Instagram app, there you are, before you know it, you’re already bombarded by friends’ posts and updates – travel photos taken from an exotic tropical island in the Pacific, some historical places in Europe or those bustling streets in East Asia. How do you feel? You may give it a like or a heart then move on? You may leave a nice comment and carry on your day to day stuff. You may get a little jealous or envious of them, then start to wonder: Why am I doing here at home in my PJ while they’re there living it up and having a great time? The adage: A picture is worth a thousand words is true in many cases. We can all agree on that. However, I’d argue a picture isn’t always representing a full picture. Don’t be surprise if there’s more to it than meets the eye. When people share their happy holiday photos on line, it’s all about the highlight. Rarely do they mention the lowlight. For example, would they tell the world that their flight got delayed for hours or they sat next to an annoying passenger or in front of a noisy jerk on a plane for 9 hours? Would they rant and rave about having a bad customer experience at a store, or having some awful food in a restaurant or having an upset stomach or diarrhea only one day after arriving at the resort? Those unexpected mishaps and dramas are kept to themselves, in private. We all like showcasing our best parts of everything to everyone. It’s only human nature. But if we as viewers are led to believe that’s all there to it, we are missing out on “a whole picture”. The feeling of inadequacy will soon find a chance to creep into our mind.

How do we gain more perspectives so that we don’t get sucked into that feeling of inadequacy? I understand if you have the urge to fill that hole or an empty space inside of you with stimuli. I’ve been there. Many times. Countless times. To counter that, I’ve come up with a good strategy to keep myself in check (like writing this blog post). We all can avoid the danger of taking something only at face value and missing the point. Try to deconstruct the myth layer by layer. In my case, as a reasonably newcomer to the blogging scene, I’m still like a new kid on the block. It’d be easy for me to feel inadequate compared with those popular bloggers out there, who have long established themselves as badass writers in their chosen fields. On the outside, fame, successes, hundreds and thousands of followers and likes etc are filling up their public domain. There’s no shortage of “good fortune”. But they got to where they’re today for a reason. It comes at a cost. It’s not free. it’s not all glam. On the inside, they’ve done the work to get them there and they continue to do the work to keep them there.

Then, just the other day, a friend of mine revealed to me that her marriage was on the rocks until she talked her husband into getting a counselling. I wouldn’t have thought that. A side of her that I didn’t know existed. It was nowhere near a portrait of her happy life on Facebook I’d seen –  enough to make her friends envious or jealous. What’s the matter? It’s not that people live a double-life, it’s just there’s a different life behind a curated library of photos we are yet to see. What I’ve learnt from this is: Not too quick to judge what I see in an instant.

Whether it’s people’s success or happiness that makes you feel inadequate, or the high life they constantly brag about gets on your nerves, stop and look out for the flip side – there’s an untold story waiting to be discovered. To complete this post, I’ll leave it with an advice I received from an ex colleague of mine at Fairfax Media. Those three wonderful little words: Work at it…

A mother was heartbroken.

There she was talking explicitly about her pain and anguish in front of the TV reporters. As a way of protecting her privacy, she wore a white surgical mask to hide her identity. Even so, the cameras were able to zoom in on her and capture the sadness in her eyes. It was written all over her face.

What’d happened? Why was she so upset? It’s a call no parents will ever want to receive. An episode no parents will ever want to go through in their life. In an apparent suicide attempt, her teenage son was seen jump out of the school building to kill himself. Fortunately, he didn’t die at the scene. But he was seriously injured to the lower part of his body as later announced by hospital.

School did all they could – called an ambulance. He was quickly taken to a hospital emergency department for an urgent treatment. His mother rushed to the ward to be by his bed side, watch him fighting for his life. The hospital setting, the medical staff running around, No, it wasn’t one of prime-time soap operas, it was a real news on TV last week in Taiwan.

Believe or not, his self-harm didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Why not? He’d been known for being a victim of bullying both on line and on the school yard for a while. In that, his school has been criticized for not acting early enough to prevent this preventable tragedy.

To add insult to injury, his mother was suggested by school to file the case as an accident as opposed to a suicide attempt, so that it’d give the case a valid reason for the insurance claim. Then on the get-well card sent to him following the incident, there was an insensitive message coming from his teacher calling his act as stupid. Also, on that there were a couple of anonymous short messages believed to be written by the bullies. Those three little words “Get well soon” were a bit cold comfort. That’s all they have to say. They didn’t sound sincere nor genuine. Perhaps driven by fear, pressure or public outcry, they didn’t even have the decency to put their names down.

From this, we can see words hurt, sometimes words can kill. This is a case got reported by the media and brought to light. No one would argue it’s an isolated one. But imagine how many cases are out there that haven’t been uncovered? We just don’t know. But one thing for sure, the number won’t be zero.

So, how did he become an easy, soft target for bullying among his peers? Why did he get picked on? When I heard of the reason, I was dismayed and appalled. The types of bullying he had to endure were staggering. He was subjected to names calling (sissy) that followed him everywhere, systematic intimidating, teasing and harassing taking place in the school’s change room. His gentle soul and persona got him into trouble. The trouble lies in the fact he didn’t fit the stereotypes of dominant men which are deeply ingrained in our world – something that’s been passed down generation after generation and to this day, there’re still signs of reinforcing it. I don’t see anything wrong with portraying men as a strong character, but it needs to have a balance. Strength comes in many shapes and forms. If you look around, chances are the strongest people you’ve ever come across aren’t those who appear to be the loudest, but the calmest.

Relatively, weeks ago a news feed on my Facebook posted by SBS (Special Broadcasting Services) Australia, got me thinking long and hard on the subject. It was about a small school boy called Mitchell who went to the TV studio – a debate forum “Insight” telling the host and a group of audience about how he stood up to a bully and told this kid to stop being mean to his friend. Mitchell’s bravery and courage won him much admiration and applause from many viewers, but it shouldn’t just end there. Our schools, our workplaces and every corners of our society need more friends like Mitchell. We all can be the next Mitchell in our own tiny way. Remember 3 S’s to eradicate the bullying – See something, say something, stop something. That’s all it takes. Interestingly, what Mitchell discovered about the bully and shared it on the show was: the bully felt threatened when being confronted by him. Deep down bullies are weak, once their bad behaviours are interrupted, they lose power and the edge over other people.

Why do I feel so strongly about this topic? Because I’m no stranger to bulling. Growing up, I used to be that little boy got bullied a lot at school. Back then, the term for bullying didn’t even exist. That Taiwanese teenager’s ordeal resonated with me on a personal level which prompted me to write this post. I survived, a long time ago. Many people did as well. But some did not. They went to extremes to end their own lives to end the pain they could no longer bear. Bullying is like bacteria. If the environment is “right” for them, it’ll become a breeding ground for them to proliferate, they will do just that – spread. If we foster the environment that’s supportive and inclusive, bullies will have no place to cling on to.

Last, as this post draws to a close, I thought I’d ask: What advice would you give to the teenage self? For me, I’d tell myself: Strive to be the best version of yourself, embrace your differences and stay weird!

At just 16, Greta Thunberg is already out there sending the message of climate change to the world. I can foresee it’ll be her life’s work for a long time.

So, where were you at the age of 16 or 26 or 36? If you open a time capsule buried in the past, can you see what you were trying to achieve or already achieved back then? What about now? What are your career aspirations? Are you still searching for that something that’ll get you out of bed every morning? Something you’ll do again and again and never get sick and tired of, nor give up on. Then, there comes the roadblocks, self-doubts, uncertainties. What does it take to find your niche in life? Doing what you love doesn’t necessarily mean getting paid for it. If money isn’t in the cards, will you continue the same level of enthusiasm as if it was a paid job? When the only reward is nothing financial but something that gives you a sense of achievement and satisfaction, will you still be there till the end?

Before my family immigrated into Australia, my life in Taiwan from the day I was born was all about being competitive and passing all school exams. As a student, I was told to study hard and get good grades at school. It was the common sentiment shared among many parents. Who wouldn’t want their children to have a head-start, a well-paved career path and a higher socioeconomic status in the future? Though I was rarely one of those top students excelled at all subjects, it didn’t bother me to the slightest that I was just an “average” student.

I remember in our writing class, we were asked to write about “What do you want to do when you grow up?”, I think I said I want to be a teacher, a musician, a pianist. When I got a bit older, around my teenage years or something, I changed it to a journalist, a news reader, an actor, or a TV personality etc. As time went by, I didn’t end up pursuing interests or hobbies in those areas. Instead, I switched to one subject that I loved most – English. To be good at it, I spent the bulk of my time studying it, going to evening English classes, listening to English language programs on radio. I even hired American tutors to perfect my conversational skills. When I got better at it, Taiwan, a tiny island about the same size of Netherlands in Europe, was too small to my increasing appetite for success. I told my parents, I want to go to study in America. The West.

They took us to Australia in 1990. Over the course of two decades, I went following what was thought to be popular and mainstream – going to university, getting a corporate job and buying a property. I was lucky enough to achieve all that – graduating with a Bachelor degree from one of top universities in Australia, working for those well-known big companies and living the Great Australian dream in one of the most livable cities in the world. What more could I ask for? On paper, it looks alright. But behind the scenes, there were tones of torments. For example, I was jobless and living my life without any source of income in 2012 and 2013, while paying home mortgage and other bills. Gratefully, they were a thing of the past and I’m now in a better place mentally and physically, but that’s not to say I’m 100% done.

The notion of “Do what you were born to do” got me thinking recently. I first heard of it from a mutual friend of mine a few years ago. After she left a broken marriage, she decided to relocate to Singapore. Two years later she quite her 6-figure salary job altogether. Then she became this person on a mission to find her purpose in life. At that time, it all sounded too New Age to me, something I wasn’t too fond of nor interested in. So, I went through the motions without paying too much attention. But lately the idea has re-surfaced. Perhaps it’s because I’m at a different stage of life. “Do what you were born to do” has come to me with a fresh meaning. I’m crystal clear about what I was brought to this world for – to be the voice of minorities and to break down stereotypes.

Minorities? What minorities? One way or the other, everyone will become part of minorities at least once in their life time. How so? Permanently or temporarily, we all have this identity or self-image that is seen as an outsider or even outcast by the society at large. For example, people in the LGBT community, a single parent, a divorcée or divorcé, people who have been bullied or abused, people who have been laid off etc. All can be classified as minorities. When a crisis arises, a large proportion of people in these groups tends to experience some form of mental illness – depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.

Admittedly, I have my fair share of shit moments, but I didn’t go through those rough patches for nothing. Have been a minority on many fronts, though once was too painful to bear, it’s given me the ability to empathize and relate to people’s struggles similar to mine. I’ll continue to use this platform as the voice of minorities and help whoever reads it build life skills from there…